Two weekends ago I got really pissed at Duke. Yes, I admit it, I finally hit the wall with his demon-like desire to be running. I dropped all forms of support for his all consuming hobby. I told him that I felt that his need to run was greater than his need for me. I made it clear that our kids needed him and that they weren't going to tell him that. Once again, I reminded him that I need him to speak my language more often, that he needs to tell me he needs me, loves me, and wants to spend time with me. And finally, I admitted that I was jealous of his ability to see the places he sees because he can get there faster than I can. Now before any readers get their undies all tied in knots about me being a needy woman and unsupportive wife, they should first of all read my previous posts and second, they need know some background on Duke and myself. Let's start with my first claim.
"I told him that I felt that his need to run was greater than his need for me." Duke is a very intense person and he is very bright. By the time he was a sophomore in high school he had finished all the math courses his high school had to offer. He then went to the local community college (lucky for him they had one where he lived) and continued on with the college curriculum while finishing his other courses at the high school. He spent his Saturdays in the library learning about the computers there and when he had learned everything he could he then helped other people. If he wasn't in the library doing an "ultra-computer-a-thon" he was riding his bicycle with the adults all day. He rode his first 100 mile ride sometime during high school and I'm pretty sure his parents had no idea where he was for the day. When he got to college he realized that he was going to need some financial help so he thought about what sort of job would be the most valuable and of course the "most fun". Enter the United States Marine Corps. When the recruiter asked him if he'd like to jump out of airplanes behind enemy lines he said, "Sign me up!!". Again, the more intense, the better. During this time he taught himself to surf. The bigger the waves, the better in his opinion. If he had had the chance, Mavericks would have suited him just fine. After all, he had already surfed pipeline on a 25 foot day. After marrying me and having kids, we moved to MT on a whim (because we never do things the easy way). This of course meant no more surfing. It was a rough three years for Duke in the area of intense physical activity. Then came Switzerland and the bigger Idiot syndrome that he talks about hit him. Ultrarunning replaced Ultrasurfing. By this time I would have thought that the intensity of marriage, raising kids, and a high tech senior director position would be enough excitement. Apparently not. Something drives Duke to do the things he does. It's an inner demon that only he can hear. Whatever that demon says to him, it over powers everything inside him. Hence my above comment that I felt that his need to run is greater than his need for me.
My next comment about the kids needing him is a no brainer. Kids need their parents and they aren't going to say that they do. They have no idea what they need. They are barely making it through each day trying to learn everything academically and socially at school. Their hormones hit and then it's almost like they have to start all over again. I've heard it said that having a teenager is like having a toddler in adult size. I have to say it's fairly accurate except that they start having these amazing conversations with you. If you've established the relationship well enough, they share their thoughts about so many things and it's fascinating to hear their young (albeit messy) point of view. I don't want Duke to miss out on that and I want our kids to hear his brilliant viewpoint and thought process so that they can learn from him. These sorts of conversations can't be forced. A rabbi once said to me that "quality time comes out of quantity". You can't plan to have an in depth conversation about the re-unification of North and South Korea at 3:15 on Saturday afternoon. And hearing about the latest crush at school isn't something that you ask about. It has to come about organically in conversation or even out of total silence. These things are often blurted out after time spent sitting quietly together in the car. Our kids are like us. They are also intense, bright, and artistic. They need to see, hear, and receive out guidance from us on how we navigate these amazing waters of life. We are also under the obligation to balance our lives as an example to them. Kids see things in black and white, the all or nothing mentality is the norm for them. By example we must show them the shades of gray and the brilliant spectrum of color that is life!
"I reminded him that I need him to speak my language more often, that he needs to tell me he needs me, loves me, and wants to spend time with me." I know deep within my being that Duke loves me. But sometimes it's hard to access that deep place when everyday life is swirling around me and throwing me off balance. People who are close to me know that I do a great deal of meditation and prayer. In fact, it's kind of become my "hobby". I spend my free time reading about spirituality and I participate in ceremony and prayer for that connection to the Divine. I am grateful for the grounding it gives me. But I truly believe that Duke was put in my life as another "anchor". When I don't have his presence to "anchor" me, I feel adrift in the sea of life. That sounds really cheesy but it is the utter truth. I need his calming voice, his quiet presence, his goofy jokes, his brilliant perceptions, and most of all his words of love and devotion. But this is difficult for him. Duke was raised in a typical Asian family where they didn't speak about these things. It was just assumed that your parents love you and that they love each other. There was no need or reason to say it. In fact, if you did feel the need to say "I love you", that meant there was something wrong with your relationship. Talk about having to change your entire modus operandi! This has been a major challenge for both of us. I try to remember to reach down deep and remember that he loves me unequivocally and I am forever asking him to step outside of his comfort zone to help me to be IN the comfort zone.
"I admitted that I was jealous of his ability to see the places he sees because he can get there faster than I can." Obviously is the crux of my irritation with Duke's long hours on the trail and it is the one that is most difficult for me to write about. It means that I will be putting down in writing something I have been struggling with my entire life. Some readers probably are asking themselves why I don't just join Duke and some people have made comments about this on previous posts. Let me say without any doubt I would LOVE to run with Duke. Nothing would make me happier than to join him. After all, I am just as intense as he is in my own way. I can get involved directing a show and 5 hours later someone has to remind me to take a break. And just like a runner, I feel like if I sit down I won't be able to keep going. Just throw a sandwich in my hand and let's keep rolling! The problem is, I physically can't and most likely will never be able to keep up with him. I was recently diagnosed with an autoimmune disease that explains so much of what has held me back most of my life. It has affected my career, my ability to do fun activities with my kids, and of course do things with Duke. And before anyone jumps on the bandwagon of asking questions as to whether I've tried this or that solution, let me say that I have done several things to get myself healthy. I am proud to say that my blood tests came back three weeks ago as being "disease free". I am feeling the best I've ever felt in my life. I don't get sick like I used to and I'm much happier all around. But this doesn't mean that I'm cured. It just means that I'm "in remission" and that if I go off my diet, don't sleep enough, have too much stress, exercise too much, that I will have a relapse and feel really crappy again. It's no fun and when I look at the fun that Duke is having, I get jealous. It's something I am working on.
"I may be an idiot, but you chose to marry me."
So you put together two intense people, an artist, a brilliant mind, a disease, two vastly different cultural backgrounds, and two kids, and you get "The Duke and Martha Show". And yes, I chose to marry Duke. And he chose to marry me. No one ever said that marriage was easy. In fact, it's an awful lot like an Ultra. The terrain always changes, the weather always must be considered, nourishment is imperative, and a regard for physical health is necessary. Sometimes in a marriage you are the runner and your spouse is the pacer and on other days it's vice versa. But all of it takes mental stamina. I am told that after all of the pain and torture that occurs during a race, finishing is the most amazing and gratifying feeling. Every time Duke and I work through one of life's major storms I feel like we have crossed another "finish line". All of the discomfort, agony and sometimes misery that working on a relationship entails is worth the feeling of accomplishment at the end of the day. You can't cross the finish line if you don't start the race and I would choose to marry Duke all over again, even the ultrawidow part, just to cross another finish line with him.
P.S. In regards to wishing I could run with him, who knows, maybe something in my body will shift and I'll be able to join him in his adventures in the future. But then, if I'm running with him, I wouldn't have anything to write as an ultrarunner widow, would I?
